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Hello! Short and sweet, we are both 40, dating. He's been a bachelor for a long time. I have been married with five kids (who are older now). My man is laid-back, very successful in his job, smart, but quiet and almost a little "feminine" if you will. He doesn't kiss me or touch me, sex is "stick it in" because he says its too much work to do anything else. I do know he loves me and this attitude is much like his personality, just laid-back and let things happen. He does look at a lot of porn, nasty forwards on his phone, e-mail etc. and these do turn him on, however I don't seem to hold much appeal. I'm pretty and in good shape and get hit on a lot, so I know it's not me. Any suggestions to get him to want me more sexually? I'm not aggressive and I think that is what he wants, but he has pushed me away and I'm afraid of my feelings being hurt, again.

Tanya

Dear Tanya,

I know many laid-back people – my brother, the Dalai Lama – but never are the attributes that make them laid-back characterized by an unwillingness to touch people or the idea that good sex is to f*ck like an ATM machine.

Instead of focusing your efforts (and the blame) on making YOU more sexually attractive to him, I suggest you put your energy toward finding a partner who acknowledges and respects your sexual needs. In order for sexual relationships to work, both parties have to be invested in each other's pleasure, which includes putting value in your wants and desires, even if they aren't perfectly in sync with his notions of what sex should be like. If he's looking for a partner to be happy with the ol' "stick it in" routine (also called The Larry King), then direct him to the nearest vacuum cleaner hose or Container Store.

Not to bad-mouth bachelors (because would we want our children to grow up in a world without "Rock of Love"?), but there may be a reason why your beau has lived a mostly solitary life, and it's not supernumerary nipples. I might cut him some slack if he were, oh say, 15 and just learning the ins and outs of the in-and-out. But to be in your 40s and have the emotional maturity of a pipe cleaner? That's just sad. And you deserve better than that.

If you want to be more aggressive, sexually or otherwise, then start by being straightforward about your desires. If watching porn turns you on too, try watching it together. Aggressive women are hot because they know what they want and they're not afraid to ask for it. You don’t have to don a vinyl teddy harness and stilettos to be seen as in charge. If he's not receptive or refuses to budge, then tell him exactly where he can stick it.